He doesn’t like me like that.

This was another wild week in the life of Sarah. Sometimes I feel like all I do is chase around from one place to the next, only to land exhausted in my bed at the end of the day.

This week, obstacles were dodged, hikes were hiked, Boy was hung out with for increasingly longer amounts of time, behaviors were managed, classrooms were organized, hair was dyed, and red velvet cupcakes were baked.

Let me catch you up on the Boy situation. Boy and I have been friends for several years. We met at church. Boy is quite a bit younger than I am. He’s only 25, and I’m 32. I know, that’s probably a good thing. He owns his own home, and works as a handyman. He is delightfully inappropriate. He has great sense of self. We laugh most of the time we’re together. He spends time with me nearly every day. He is always coming to my rescue in some way or another. He loves spending time with my family too. He calls me his best friend, and introduces me to people that way.

But. But, there seems to be little to no movement in a romantic direction. No hand holding. We do hug, but it’s a friendly type of thing. I’m at a loss. I’ve never been romantically involved with a guy before. I don’t know what to do. Do I just throw caution to the wind, and say, “I really like you Boy. Really. I want to spend every day with you.”? Or do I sit and wait?

I’ve talked about it with my therapist, but she hasn’t really given me any direction either way. Perhaps in her mind, I have bigger fish to fry (I am starting trauma work in therapy, now that my behaviors are manageable). I just don’t know.

It feels like I’m at another tipping point in my life. It’ll be interesting to see where I go!

I apologize for the long and crazy spaces between posts. I’m a pretty busy girl. I leave the house by 7:30 in the morning and don’t usually get home until nearly 10 at night. Busy busy busy. Compound that with my lack of internet access at my new living quarters, and it’s a recipe for not posting. :) I could use my phone, but it’s not html friendly, so here we are.

I had another week full of successes. Full! I am keeping up with writing accountability emails to my therapist each night. It really helps. I tell her about what percentage of the meal plan I followed that day, any high urges to act out I may have had, also any successes or behaviors I had. It’s been great. There are a couple other women in my program who have also started doing that, and it’s been helping them too. I don’t always get a response from her, but it’s good to put in written form how my day went, without fear of judgement.

Consequently, I’ve had another major behavior free week, and seen a reduction in the body checking (for those who are unaware, body checking is when you scrutinize yourself in the mirror or other reflective surfaces, obsessively checking for flaws or judging your weight. It can also be pinching your perceived fatty areas, checking your collar bones, etc.). I also didn’t purposefully keep myself awake late even once last week. Pretty proud of that.

And, *drumroll please*, I acutally unpacked my whole room! WOOO HOOO! The last time I moved, it took me more than 8 months to unpack my last box. 8 months. I am very proud that I buckled down and did it.

Now, I realize that recovery is full of ups and downs, so my optimism is guarded. I know there are struggles ahead *cough*telling my family what’s going on*cough, cough*, but I am enjoying this time in my life. YAY!

Chorizo taco salad, so much deliciousness (Taken with instagram)

It has been like summer here the past few days. Well above 100 degrees. Guess which teacher’s a/c is broken in their classroom? This one. :( The district brought in a portable one, which keeps the room down to a liveable 80ish degrees. Ugh ugh ugh. I’ve been a crankopotamus by the afternoon the past few days. Luckily, tomorrow I’ll be at my other school, which means, hello a/c! Yay!

A little something you all and I will be looking forward to next week is crazy hair day. You know how much I love those theme days at school. Very exciting!

Last week was full of triumphs! Full! As in, I had ZERO major eating disordered behaviors. Zero. The only ones left were the insidious little ones, like body checking and staying up late. Even those subsided a bit. Hooray for accountability. It feels so much better to be all in, instead of on the fence.

That’s something that is really difficult for me to handle. I’m sure it is for other people too. It’s hard to not beat yourself up for continuing to make poor choices, when you’re trying to make good changes in your life. Thank the heavens there are ways out. There are people in our lives that are there to help us. I’m not big on trusting my family with my struggles, but I have a good solid group of friends who is there for me, and a guy who just might be my boyfriend who has heard and dealt with a whole load of my dirty laundry over the past week and hasn’t run screaming from the scene. He deserves a medal. Seriously.

I moved over the weekend too (how’s that for planning. The first day of the year it’s above 100 and I move. Seriously). I feel like I’m living in a box at the moment. I’m trying not to get too overwhelmed. One box a day is my plan, two if I’m feeling really gung-ho. Woo!

I wrote about some interesting things for my therapy group that I am going to type up and share with the (internet) class. I want it there for posterity.

Feeling the love this week. Keeping the chin up and the feet moving in the forward direction.

Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out (by FlorenceMachineVEVO)

‘Cause it’s hard to dance, with the Devil on your back, so shake it off!

This week, I initiated my own “Come to Jesus” meetings at IOP. The first was with my counselor. The second was with the dietary staff.

I have been very checked out lately. Overwhelmed to the point of almost complete indifference to both my job and my recovery. Not good things at all. I have been showing up physically, but my brain hasn’t been in the game at all.

So, this week I came clean. I explained in detail to both my counselor and my dietician what exactly I was doing that was keeping me out of recovery. My first binge in I don’t know how long happened last week. That was one of the first things I owned up to. Also, and this might sound weird, but here it is, I’ve been restricting my fluid intake quite a bit. Sometimes not drinking more than 12oz in a day. That hasn’t been a conscious choice, but I have not been thirsty to any degree. Owned up to that too. And the late nights. And the procrastination. And the grazing. and the dessert every day. All of it. It felt good to confess my sins, so to speak.

I set myself up on an accountability plan with my counselor. I am emailing her nightly about what my day was like, my urges and behaviors, anything out of the ordinary. It’s been working well so far. I’m only three days in, so I am hopeful that it’s the catalyst I needed to make the changes I need to make. 

This week is the end of the crazy busy season with work. I have the Spring Arts Festival this Saturday, which the guy I’m dating helped me get ready for. Also, I am moving this weekend. My friend came over tonight and helped me pack. Note that in both of those instances, I had help. Help that I asked for. If I struggle with anything, it’s asking for help when I need it. That alone shows that I’m making progress. Pretty proud of that!

Onward and upward!

Something deliciously amazing is about to happen (Taken with instagram)

I haven’t had two brain cells to rub together for the past week and a half or so. My life is a crazy crazy thrill a minute roller coaster ride. Isn’t it great how life is that way, tossing so many things at you at once and then standing back to watch the show?

I had two very important victories over the past week. One at work and one in my personal life. At work, there is a teacher who constantly brings her class late. Last week, they were 15 minutes late because they were having a chess lesson. A chess lesson! When the kids told me that, I was so mad I could spit fire. So, I pulled her aside, and very calmly (I had practiced in my head first) said that when she brings her class late, it makes me feel like my class isn’t important to her. She tried to say that they were only late this one time, and I said that I wouldn’t be bringing it up if it were only a one time occurrence. She then tried to blame it on the kids, to which I replied that I just didn’t feel like she respected me, and that I would appreciate her bringing them on time in the future. Then I turned around and walked back in to my classroom.

Can I just tell you that my whole body was shaking after that? I never, never confront people like that. Never. I was amazed that I was able to do that though!

The second victory was that I told the guy I’m dating about my eating disorder, and that I’m in treatment. That wasn’t easy at all. I don’t know what I was expecting him to do, maybe I just thought he would be weirded out and stop talking to me, or something like that.  He wasn’t at all. He was completely supportive and perfectly lovely.

Hooray for two victories!

Honestly, my defeats at the end of this crazy week tower in my mind over these two small but significant accomplishments. I’m fighting a battle in my head right now that is making me cry. So, for my corner of the tumblrverse, I’m trying to make a little happy spot. Thanks my friends for your support. It’s more important  than you know.